Body Image

This is something that I, like many many other women, struggle with every day. I have never had an eating disorder as a result but it still is something that I struggle with....every day. Now that's not to say I am necessarily depressed about it, just unhappy sometimes.
I would say that I have always had this problem...probably since high school. There was always something I didn't like about my body. My weight. My hair. My sometimes blemished skin.

Again, that is not to say that I don't love myself, who I am, the way I look because I do, but I do have insecurities.

In high school I was in good shape physically. I played water polo and swam for a couple hours every day. I was healthy. Looking back at high school pictures now I sincerely envy my physique then. I have no idea why I was at all insecure about myself...I shouldn't have been, but I was.

Then came college. I gained what you would call "the freshman 15". At the time, it really didn't bother me all that much. I still felt pretty and I didn't gain enough weight that you really noticed. I think more than anything it just looked like I was growing up, maturing.

After my first year of college I met Chad. He adored me and treated my like a queen through our months of dating and being engaged. I never once felt "fat" or "ugly". I hate using harsh words but for a lack of anything better I will. I still had the occasional negative thought about my body and insecure feeling about a certain shirt that showed off my love handles, but I really can say it didn't consume my thoughts very often.

Being married was bliss. I felt "sexy" for the first time in my life because i had a loving husband who made me feel that way. I was happy with who I was, who I had grown to be. Life was good.

Enter Birth Control.

I started on the pill a few weeks before we got married. At first, maybe the first year or so the Pill's effects were not really noticeable other than the fact that it was preventing me from getting pregnant. But after a little while I started to notice my jeans fitting a little snugger and then they didn't fit at all. I moved up to the next size. Before I knew it, I had gained more weight than I cared to admit. It happened so subtly that I didn't realize what was happening. I was horrified, embarrassed, sad. I felt ugly for the first time in my life. I felt unattractive and certainly not sexy.

I guess I should also say that I do attribute my weight gain to birth control, although I am not 100% positive that's why I gained so much weight. But logically I think it was. I didn't change my lifestyle drastically... I worked out as much as I used to...I wasn't eating horribly...I marched up and down the U of U campus every day for goodness sakes!...I would say I was definitely getting enough exercise. Granted I am sure that being married and not exercising as much as I did in high school were factors in the weight gain...but not large factors.

So I decided to stop taking the pill. And I did. Unfortunately my gained weight didn't just dissapear once I stopped taking it. I wasn't gaining anymore weight thankfully but not losing it either. My metabolism was definitely changed. And not for the good.

It was hard to get to the gym more with a busy work and school schedule and I was frustrated. I eventually started doing Yoga and Pilates class. Hoping the class structure would help me stay motivated and help me get rid of the weight. And while I did feel better and healthier I still weighed more than I wanted to.

So a year after going off the pill I am still at the same weight. And let me tell you it has been a struggle every day in that year to feel like me. The one thing that has kept me grounded...okay...maybe the two things...is 1) my wonderful husband. I am tearing up a little just thinking about him. He has never once made me feel "overweight" or unattractive. He tells me everyday how beautiful I am and my extra weight doesn't bug him. He is the best husband I could ask for...even if I weigh more than him. If only every insecure woman out there had a Chad in their life they wouldn't be insecure. 2) The knowledge that my Heavenly Father loves me gets me through each day. I know that He doesn't care what my weight is. He only cares how i live my life and how I feel on the inside. Even though it is hard I know that I have to love myself no matter how I look. I feel that if I hate my body or myself I am not giving thanks to Heavenly Father for the body he gave me but rather being unappreciative and selfish. Our bodies are a miracle. The way they move and function. Yes, I might have a higher body weight than the girl next to me but in the eternal perspective that doesn't matter.

When I think about it, one of the only times I feel completely equal to those around me is when I am dressed in white in the temple. I don't think about my body image in the temple. The temple is the closest place on earth to heaven so I can only imagine that the feelings I have in the temple will translate to how we will live our lives in Heaven.

Okay...so what does all this life experience mean?? What I am trying to get at is that life is too short to be worrying about our imperfections, especially physical. It has taken me too long to learn this lesson and I can't say that I have perfected my view on this either. But I can say that I am happy with who I am. I love my body because I know it is a gift from Heavenly Father. I am trying my best to take care of it and be healthy. But I also know that it is ok if it is not perfect. I am not a size 8 and I am ok with that. I make up for that with my style. I know what clothes complement my figure and which don't. And I have a loving family who accepts me for me.

So to all of the women out there who struggle with body image...it's ok to be "different." Just try to love yourself because Heavenly Father wants you to love yourself. And if you can't find anything to wear that looks good, do what I do.... Go SHOPPING!!