Adventures in Costco-land

I pretty much have not been able to focus my eyes in like 3 hours.

I seriously haven't been able to see, read or look at ANYTHING within a foot of my eyes since 6:30 pm when the Devil Dr. (we shall call him) decided to dilate my pupils.

It's been fun. Like Disneyland fun...

I love it when any light I look at has a two foot halo/ring growing out of it.

I especially love it when I am trying to eat my delicious double double from In-N-Out and I can't even see the dang thing!

Even better, I love it when I am wandering through Costco getting lost because I really can't focus my eyes and the blinding lights are giving me a head ache. I had to ask Chad what was down every ile. No joke.

This is how it started...

Man, I thought to myself, I really need to get my eyes checked. I just can't see very good. So I dialed up good ol' Costco and made an appointment to see Dr. Devil. I was hoping to walk out of my appointment with a brand spanken new perscription, a new pair of contacts and maybe a smile. But not so, not so.

So I'm sitting in the chair saying 1 is better than 2. 4 is definitely better than 5. 6 and 7 are pretty much the same. Oh 8, yeah 8 is good...115 is a little tiny bit better than 116. (Ok, I think you get the picture and I am getting a little sidtracked. If you don't know what I am talking about it is because you have perfect 20/20 vision, in which case I hate you and I would ask that you stop reading my blog). So I finish with the numbers and I think I am done.

Well Dr. Devil has other ideas he does. Have you had your eyes dilated lately? he asks me. Um, yeah about 6 months ago, so I wasn't planning on doing it today, I reply. (Turns out I really didn't know what dilating my pupils meant, I just thought I did. I have definitely never had it done before. At least not when I was conscious.) Ohhh you really should do it every visit, he says, especially with your perscription. (Meaning you have terrible vision. Just say it Dr. Devil. Don't sugar coat please.) Uh ok I guess I should do it then.

He then continues to put two sets of eye drops in each eye. Man, I think to myself, he is really good at holding my eyes open just the right way to get the eye drops in. (My theory now is that Dr. Devil likes torturing people and so he has developed very thorough tactics such as the right way to hold the eye open to get the most eye drops in so your pupils get extra dilated.)

Now we wait, he says.

Then I waited 1o minutes and he looks at my eyes... and guess what?...they weren't dilated enough. Back to the chair for more eye drops. 5 minutes later...they are dilated...we can now begin.

At this point I don't have my contacts in so I can pretty much see nothing. Just blobs and shapes. Maybe the occasional blur. (Maybe I should mention that I am blind without my contacts.)

So my pupils are dilated. Then Dr. Devil shines the most horrendous light in my eyes and I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head. Luckily they didn't. Look up, look down, look to the left...look to the upper right....look to the lower left and right a little.

Well everything looks good, says Dr. Devil.

Whew, I think, no retinal detachments. Thanks Dr. Devil.

Then I put my contacts back on, pay Dr. Devil for the pupil dilation and we are on our way. I decided to peruse the costco coupons on our way to do a little shopping. Why the heck can't I focus? Why can't I read? Why are those lights so bright and why do they have halos? This is me panicking.

I swear I could hear Dr. Devil laughing in his office...I swear I heard him say, man that girl never saw it coming. I can't believe she fell for the whole dilating thing...poor girl. I love my job.

Good News: my retina's are still in tact and show no signs of detaching.

Other good news: We bought some Special K Red Berries and Cheese from Costco.

Bad News: I just paid Dr. Devil at Costco $20 to torture me and then send me on my way to actually see worse than when I came in.

Even Worse News: My perscription is so bad that they don't even have any contacts in the office for me so I have to wait 2 weeks to get a new pair of contacts while they order them.

Even worse, really worse News: I have to go back in 2 weeks when they get my contacts in and see Dr. Devil again so he can fit my contacts and make sure they work.

Great...I'm so excited. I just hope he doesn't brain wash me and convince me I need to dilate my pupils again.

Who knew dilating your pupils could be so fun?

I can't wait to do it again someday...

Feminism in a different light

I haven't ever thought of myself as a feminist. I have maybe toyed with idea, but never committed. I certainly don't categorize feminism as bra-burning women who hate all men. That is not what feminism is to me. In fact, I don't know that anyone can really define feminism in a certain way. But after taking a social gender class at the U of U a few semesters ago I learned a lot more about gender stereotypes, gender roles, etc. and found out I am definitely NOT a feminist.

More recently I have strengthened my view that I am not a feminist when I read this blog. This is probably the blog I check first on my blog role every day. C Jane is humorous, insightful and an amazing writer. And her insight on the subject of feminism blew me away. She gives a definition of feminism as: If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.

I had never thought of saying that I am not a feminist becuase I DON'T want men and women to be equal. Crazy right? Maybe when you first hear it it is. But really it makes a lot of sense for a young LDS women such as I. Read this quote by Ezra Taft Benson (a former president of the LDS church) and then we will discuss:

"You were not created to be the same as men. Your natural attributes, affections and personalities are entirely different from these of a man. They consist of faithfulnes, benevolence, kindness and charity. They also balance out the more aggressive and competitive nature of man. The business world is competitive and sometimes ruthless. We do not doubt that women have both the brain power and the skills to compete with men. But by competing they must of necessity, become aggressive and competitive. Thus their godly attributes are diminished and they acquire a quality of sameness with man. The conventional wisdom of the day would have you be equal with men. We say, we would not have you descend to that level."

Wow. Epiphany. That's what I had after reading C Jane's blog and that article. Suddenly it all made sense. This was how I felt and I didn't even know it until now. I always knew I was a strong women with opinions and goals. I have always been like that. I knew what I wanted in life: to be successful. What did that mean though? Did I want a carreer, a purpose? Yes. Did I want to be a wife and a mother? Yes. So how do I balance those out without giving who I am up?

That's just the point...I don't have to. I can be everything I want and still be a woman, a child of God. I don't have to be a successful carreer driven CEO. I don't have to necessarily just be a stay-at-home mom. I don't have to be a feminist. I don't want to be a feminist. I don't want to strive my whole life to be equal with the men that surround me. I want to be me and only me.

Men and women were built differently for a reason. We were also given different personality and character traits for a reason. Because we were meant to find each other, get married, have children and learn from each other. I am meant to teach Chad things he doesn't understand and likewise. I AM NOT supposed to be equal to him in every aspect of our lives, instead I am supposed to complement him. I am meant to be a woman and he is meant to be a man.

So while I can certainly appreciate women's views on feminism and wanting women to be "equal" to mean and have all the opportunities in the world, I just don't think it is necessary. We can be who we are without feminism and without definititions and standards to live up to. I want a marriage that works because we are trying our best to do what is best for each other, not what is best for social standards and gender roles.

Sorry feminism, but you just don't fit into my life.

What are you going to do now?

I started this blog as more of a journal of sorts. A way to keep a record of what our family has done and accomplished. And while I do that, my hopes for this blog has changed a little. I am now a college graduate (well in May it will be official, but for simplicity let's say I am now). Who knows what that's supposed to mean and entail? All I know is that my life has changed. Now instead of classes all day and books, tuition and no sleep, my life has turned into working all day and making dinner, doing dishes and more sleep. It's been quite a change and an adjustement. But perhaps the biggest change is figuring out how I want to live the rest of my life. Now I know that I don't have to have everything planned out right now obviously but I would like to have a plan of some sort. And I don't. I don't know anything...or at least that's how I feel sometimes. I know that I have a job that pays the bills and is a good job...for now.

My degree is in communications...print journalism. That's not a high paying field. It certainly wouldn't pay the bills right now. So when I get asked why I'm not using my degree or when I am going to get a job that puts my schooling to good use, forgive me if I don't smile and give you a nice answer. Let me be blunt. Please don't ask me why I don't have a job that relates to my degree. Please don't ask me when I will get one. Please don't ask me. Please. Because I don't know. I have no clue what kind of job I want that relates to the journalism field. I don't know what kind of job I want period. I don't know what kind of job I can have that will still let me be a mom in the future. The way I feel about reporting and writing has changed drastically over the last 4 years. Not only that, but I have changed drastically over the last 4 years, so naturally my view of the future has changed as well.

I feel very accomplished to have earned my bachelor's degree. I feel like I have accomplished something. I HAVE accomplished something. So to me the subject my degree is in doesn't matter as much as the fact that I graduated! I have a whole life ahead of me to figure out what I want to do with my degree and my career path. For now, I will continue to write on this blog. I am determined to make it more of an outlet for my creative and journalistic writing in addition to my journal and family history. For now, this blog will be me putting my education to use. I may not have a ton of readers, but I never write for anyone but me anyways. So no matter how many people read my writing I know it is still making a difference in at least one life: mine. Writing helps me to feel like what I have to say is important. It helps me release my emotions in a healthy way. It helps me feel like I am making a difference by expressing my views, opinions, and outlooks on life. That's what I went to school for and that's why I got my degree. I studied hard for years to educate myself and articulate my view on life. I DID NOT, I repeat I DID NOT go to college simply to put myself ahead in the workforce. College has given me a great opportunity to learn about many different subjects and now I will take the next few years to evaluate how I want to use that knowledge.

Body Image

This is something that I, like many many other women, struggle with every day. I have never had an eating disorder as a result but it still is something that I struggle with....every day. Now that's not to say I am necessarily depressed about it, just unhappy sometimes.
I would say that I have always had this problem...probably since high school. There was always something I didn't like about my body. My weight. My hair. My sometimes blemished skin.

Again, that is not to say that I don't love myself, who I am, the way I look because I do, but I do have insecurities.

In high school I was in good shape physically. I played water polo and swam for a couple hours every day. I was healthy. Looking back at high school pictures now I sincerely envy my physique then. I have no idea why I was at all insecure about myself...I shouldn't have been, but I was.

Then came college. I gained what you would call "the freshman 15". At the time, it really didn't bother me all that much. I still felt pretty and I didn't gain enough weight that you really noticed. I think more than anything it just looked like I was growing up, maturing.

After my first year of college I met Chad. He adored me and treated my like a queen through our months of dating and being engaged. I never once felt "fat" or "ugly". I hate using harsh words but for a lack of anything better I will. I still had the occasional negative thought about my body and insecure feeling about a certain shirt that showed off my love handles, but I really can say it didn't consume my thoughts very often.

Being married was bliss. I felt "sexy" for the first time in my life because i had a loving husband who made me feel that way. I was happy with who I was, who I had grown to be. Life was good.

Enter Birth Control.

I started on the pill a few weeks before we got married. At first, maybe the first year or so the Pill's effects were not really noticeable other than the fact that it was preventing me from getting pregnant. But after a little while I started to notice my jeans fitting a little snugger and then they didn't fit at all. I moved up to the next size. Before I knew it, I had gained more weight than I cared to admit. It happened so subtly that I didn't realize what was happening. I was horrified, embarrassed, sad. I felt ugly for the first time in my life. I felt unattractive and certainly not sexy.

I guess I should also say that I do attribute my weight gain to birth control, although I am not 100% positive that's why I gained so much weight. But logically I think it was. I didn't change my lifestyle drastically... I worked out as much as I used to...I wasn't eating horribly...I marched up and down the U of U campus every day for goodness sakes!...I would say I was definitely getting enough exercise. Granted I am sure that being married and not exercising as much as I did in high school were factors in the weight gain...but not large factors.

So I decided to stop taking the pill. And I did. Unfortunately my gained weight didn't just dissapear once I stopped taking it. I wasn't gaining anymore weight thankfully but not losing it either. My metabolism was definitely changed. And not for the good.

It was hard to get to the gym more with a busy work and school schedule and I was frustrated. I eventually started doing Yoga and Pilates class. Hoping the class structure would help me stay motivated and help me get rid of the weight. And while I did feel better and healthier I still weighed more than I wanted to.

So a year after going off the pill I am still at the same weight. And let me tell you it has been a struggle every day in that year to feel like me. The one thing that has kept me grounded...okay...maybe the two things...is 1) my wonderful husband. I am tearing up a little just thinking about him. He has never once made me feel "overweight" or unattractive. He tells me everyday how beautiful I am and my extra weight doesn't bug him. He is the best husband I could ask for...even if I weigh more than him. If only every insecure woman out there had a Chad in their life they wouldn't be insecure. 2) The knowledge that my Heavenly Father loves me gets me through each day. I know that He doesn't care what my weight is. He only cares how i live my life and how I feel on the inside. Even though it is hard I know that I have to love myself no matter how I look. I feel that if I hate my body or myself I am not giving thanks to Heavenly Father for the body he gave me but rather being unappreciative and selfish. Our bodies are a miracle. The way they move and function. Yes, I might have a higher body weight than the girl next to me but in the eternal perspective that doesn't matter.

When I think about it, one of the only times I feel completely equal to those around me is when I am dressed in white in the temple. I don't think about my body image in the temple. The temple is the closest place on earth to heaven so I can only imagine that the feelings I have in the temple will translate to how we will live our lives in Heaven.

Okay...so what does all this life experience mean?? What I am trying to get at is that life is too short to be worrying about our imperfections, especially physical. It has taken me too long to learn this lesson and I can't say that I have perfected my view on this either. But I can say that I am happy with who I am. I love my body because I know it is a gift from Heavenly Father. I am trying my best to take care of it and be healthy. But I also know that it is ok if it is not perfect. I am not a size 8 and I am ok with that. I make up for that with my style. I know what clothes complement my figure and which don't. And I have a loving family who accepts me for me.

So to all of the women out there who struggle with body image...it's ok to be "different." Just try to love yourself because Heavenly Father wants you to love yourself. And if you can't find anything to wear that looks good, do what I do.... Go SHOPPING!!

The day that changed my life

Warning: This post is 100% (okay maybe 80%) sarcas/joking.

Friday my life changed. I was introduced to my baby...I mean my iPhone. Yes...I recieved the wonderful gift that is the iPhone. I can't remember what it was like not to stare into the carefully protected face...I mean screen of my baby...I mean iPhone.

It keeps me up at night...because I want to turn the light on and see if I have any messages or updates for my many apps. But I don't care that I lose sleep because in the morning when I hold it in my hands again before I leave for work I remember why I love it so much.

It is in one sentnce...the most wonderful thing that has come into my life (ok maybe except Chad...I will let you know in another week or so).

It might be a little more expensive to have in my life...what with the diapers and bottles...I mean Data Plan and screen protectors. But lets be real...what child...I mean iPhone isn't going to add a little strain to your wallet?

All I know is that I love it and I now that I have experienced it's presence in my life for a whole week...I don't know how I could live without it. How would someone get through life without their right arm let alone their iPhone?

It has so many uses...it is not just a phone. Oh not just a phone at all. I can check my email and read my favorite blogs. Or I can scroll on over to my facebook app and see who dumped who and what so and so had for breakfast (because lets be real...that's all anyone uses Facebook for anymore).

Or I can click on my grocery app and check my shopping list.

Or I can summon my Shazam app awake and it can tell me what that song on the radio is that I have been dying to know about.

I can even pull my LDS Library app and read my scriptures. Awww. I know.

"Is there anything your iPhone can't do Clair?" you ask.

"No," is my reply. No. No. No. I truly get why they say, "There is an app for that." Because there is.

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Okay it's me again...some crazy lady that was comparing babies and iPhones briefly took my blog hostage. But now she is gone and it's just me again. Oh hey, did you guys know I got an iPhone.

Maybe now

I really didn't want to see the new Alice in Wonderland movie.

I was never really a fan of Alice in Wonderland and I am definitely NOT a fan of Tim Burton. And I like Johhny Depp but sometimes he really freaks me out, especially when he plays his crazy weird rolls such as in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He was just plain weird and creepy in that movie. So put those three things together and you have one crazy movie.

So I was determined not to see it...until...

Until I came across this song called "Follow me Down" by 3oh3 featuring Neon Hitch (whoever that is??) that will be in the movie. I LOVE it! It is sooo catchy and honestly makes me want to see the movie just to hear the song. I probably will still not see the movie but it does make me want to see it a hair more than before.

Sorry to the Tim Burton/Johhny Depp/Alice in Wonderland fans but I just don't see myself sitting through two hours of this movie...even with this awesome song.

Reason why...

we moved back to California...

Because if I wanted to I could be wearing flip flops and shorts right now. It is 70 degrees outside...oh and it's febuary! If we still lived in Utah we would probably be shivering our butts off and shoveling snow or something. But instead I am starting my tan early this year and soaking up some much needed rays after the long hard winter...okay maybe not as long and hard as Utah winters... anyways this is turning into a ramble so I will stop. Guess I just wanted to tell California thank you for brightening my day with the sunshine and warm weather. I know it won't last but it sure made my last few days better!