A Parent's Love

I've grown up my whole life learning about the atonement of Jesus Christ, about his sacrifice and his unwavering love for me and for all of us. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on it and know how to utilize it in my life and how to teach my children to use it in theirs. But then something in my life happens and wham, I learn something knew that I never really understood completely before about the atonement. The last year it has happened quite a few times. And although the circumstances are usually tough and it's usually a trial that brings me to be thinking about what the atonement means to me, I am always grateful for the opportunity to learn more about my Savior.

A few days ago I had a very scary dream. It was one of those dreams where you know from the very beginning that it's not real and it never could be because of the crazy things that are happening. I was driving a car but in reality it was probably more like flying a car because I was driving from the top of skyscraper to the top of another skyscraper. Then all of the sudden I am out of the car on the top of this very tall building and my brother and Uncle are standing with me. The building must have been under construction because the whole top floor has plastic around it instead of glass windows, etc. We see some workers inside and they conveniently "zip" the plastic open and let us in the side of the building. We climb in and are safe and then I realize that I left my purse on the top. I go to climb out and get it but my uncle refuses to let me and goes instead. So my brother and I are standing at the unzipped portion of the building looking down hundreds of feet. I don't actually remember seeing the bottom of the street. All of the sudden Hayden is inside the building with us and comes toddling to the edge. Before either of us even realize it he is running out the unzipped plastic and tumbling down the side of the building. I vividly remember watching him fall the first foot and thinking "why did no one grab him? Why wasn't anyone watching him? What is going on?" In my dream it felt as if time stopped and the only thing I could see or hear was Hayden falling farther and farther from me. I could see him hitting things as he went down and was just frozen in horror. I finally realized I had to do something or I would lose him so I somehow managed to get outside and start scaling the building. I caught up with him and grabbed his arm and woke up.

I have never had a dream that woke me up like this one. I sat up in bed so quick and was shaking and crying. It was so real I felt as if I had really just lost my child. I was so distraught and upset all I could do was just sit there. I composed myself and told myself it wasn't real and climbed out of bed and into the kids room. Hayden was soundly sleeping in his crib. I went to him just to make sure he was breathing and everything was ok. I just about fell on the floor and started sobbing right there I was so relieved to see my baby alive. I checked on Afton too because at that point it didn't matter which child the dream was about. I was just so happy to see both of my kids safe and sound.

I closed the door and made my way back down the stairs and into bed. I tried unsuccessfully to get back to sleep and finally woke Chad up and told him about my dream. He of course comforted me and helped me get back to sleep. But the next day and even now, every time I think about that awful dream I just want to run to Hayden and never let him go again. Every time I start to get frustrated at something one of my kids does, I think about that dream and the frustration quickly leaves and is replaced with an overwhelming sense of love for my kids.

I retell all this because as I was falling back to sleep after that awful dream a thought popped into my head. A thought so contrary to how I had been feeling that it could have only come from Heavenly Father. I suddenly thought how hard it must have been for our Father in Heaven to know and see with such clarity his only begotten son suffer through the atonement. He had to watch as his Son willingly gave his own life and was put through such pain and sorrow. No one other than our Heavenly Father knows just how much the Savior suffered. After having that dream, I could understand just a little how he must have felt. And yet, he still let him suffer and die for us. He could have stopped it, he could have done many things differently. But he didn't. Christ wanted to die for us so that all of his brothers and sisters might have the chance to return to our Father in Heaven. And Heavenly Father knew it was the only way. He knew that there must be a way for us to be able to repent of our sins and be forgiven in order to return to live with him. He had come up with this marvelous Plan of Happiness and this was the pivotal part of it.

I have often thought of how Mary felt when Christ was crucified, how that must have tormented her. And now I realize that it was even harder for Heavenly Father.

I am so grateful to be a mother. It is the hardest, most frustrating and draining job I have ever had. Some days I feel like I am making no difference in the world. I feel like I am not helping to spread His gospel or to serve others. And then I remember, I am. I am teaching my children the gospel. I am serving my children.

In a beautiful talk by Jeffery R. Holland entitled, "Because She Is a Mother," he gives us a wonderful reminder:

Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.” ¹¹ You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging. Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master’s garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and sometimes weep over their responsibility as mothers, “Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.” ¹² And it will make your children whole as well.

 I can't imagine my life without my two children or even the third one on the way. I haven't met that baby here on earth yet but I already know they are meant for and a part of our family. And I rejoice for the other little souls still waiting to join our family. It is my knowledge of the gospel and my role as a mother that gets me through these dark and dreary says we live in. I owe my Heavenly Father and my earthly parents everything I have for molding me into the woman I am today and teaching me how to be a mother. A parent's love is like nothing else.