Mixed feelings on healthcare

The title of this post explains itself...and please before you comment, read my whole post. I know the healthcare bill is somewhat of a hot topic right now and is creating much debate. I know this because it is creating debate in my head. To be completely honest, I am not much into politics. I know I should be more aware of what is going on in my goverment, but sometimes it's hard to keep up. Things are changing so much. And I feel like I can't talk about it to those who really know what's going on because I will get their opinion, not the whole story. So I don't. I go on not knowing very much about what's happening and why everyone hates Obama so much.

It is my opinion that someone will always hate our president for one reason or another. I certainly don't "hate" our president, but I am also not a democrat, so I don't believe in a lot of what he's doing. I believe in "small government." I don't think the government should have a hand in EVERYTHING we do. I certainly don't think they should be the ones to FORCE everyone to have healthcare.

With that said, I still have mixed feelings on the healthcare reform. I DON'T like the fact that I am paying for someone else's health insurance in ANY way (this is my understanding of what will happen- if I am wrong please let me know). I DON'T like being fined $695 if I don't have health insurance. I certainly don't like feeling like I am trapped in a corner.

However, I do like the fact that starting in 2014, when most of this will start, insurance companies cannot deny based on pre-existing conditions.

Let me explain.

My husband technically has a pre-exisitng condition.

You wouldn't know by looking at him.

He's not sick.

He can work.

He can drive.

Thanks to 3 little pills a day filled with carbatrol.

Chad started having seizures when he was very young. It took his paretns and many doctors a while to figure out how to control them with medication.

So since Chad was very young he has taken his medication. He only ever has a seizure when he DOESN'T take his medication. He has had ONE seizure in the time we have been married. He, with his doctor's council decided to slowly go off his medication and see if he really needed it any longer. He was on much lower doses than he was used to and on top of that forgot to take his medicine at night. The result was a seizure in the early morning.

It was a tramatic experience for a newly wed wife. But we dealt with it.

So these pretty much non-existant seizures equal a pre-existing condition in the minds of the isurance gurus.

When we were first married we had health insurance. First through Home Depot and then through an engineering firm Chad worked for. Then, over a year ago, in January of 2009, Chad was "laid" off. He wasn't able to find another job for a month and when he did find a job it wasn't "full time" and thus had no medical insurance. I also was only working part time due to my school schedule.

So we made due.

We had to pay $150 every month for Chad's medicine, plus we had no health insurance. And we haven't had any since...certainly not for lack of trying.

Chad tried to find a job with health insurance and so have I, but we all know good jobs are few and far between. And good jobs WITH insurance are even harder to come by.

So we have lived without health insurance for over a year now.

When I realized we would have to get it personally, on our own, I looked into it, applied and we were...DENIED. Because of a pre-existing condition.

I've had many people ask me why I don't get it just for me. Well, good question. We can't afford it. We pay $150 dollard for Chad's medicine and if the health insurace we're paying for doesn't cover it, then we can't afford it.

So, it turns out, we couldn't get health insurance even if we wanted to.

So we have lived without it. It's hard and scary at times, but what can we do?

So let me again say that although I don't agree with the healthcare bill being passed, a voice in the back of my head says, is it such a bad thing that the insurance agencies will have to be a little more honest and offer health insurance to everyone?

What if we could get health insurance privately right now?

We would still pay for Chad's medicine if you think about it. We would just be paying it to the insurance company. But we would have peace of mind. We would feel safer.

So while none of this really matters right now because the bill won't change anything until 2014 and we will have insurance by then ( we will!), it still makes you think in the present.

I think the healthcare reform is a mistake. I think we need to be more self sufficient and take care of ourselves for a change, but that doesn't mean that we don't need help from the government sometimes.

So instead of making health insurance mandatory, why don't they reform the health insurance companies themselves? Make them more honest (right now!) with out forcing America to get something they either don't want, can't afford or just can't get.

Health insurance shouldn't be something forced upon us... but rather something easily accessible to those who need and want it.

Corn beef, cabbage and hunger games

Can you tell what's on my mind this wonderful hump day? (FYI: hump day=wednesday. Get your minds out of the gutter people) So...back to the post.
FOOD!
Food is on my mind today. Not because I have been extra hungry or because I am cooking or even eating more...just because I have been thinking about food in general.

Here is what I think:

1) Corn beef & cabbage is disgusting. (looks gross too) I could probably stop there but I won't. It's St. Patty's day...and I am sure you would know this unless you live under a rock (to be completely honest, I wasn't aware it was today until yesterday). So in the spirit of the holiday, (a holiday which by the way really has nothing to do with our country or culture, but for some reason we celebrate it anyways??) our manager Shari decides she wants to order us corn beef and cabbage from a local restaurant. I had never had it before so I said, 'what the heck? I'll try it!'

Wish I hadn't.

It was gross.

Really gross.

I would rather eat Chinese food...or dog food. And if you know me I hold those two food groups to the same standard, so that's saying something. (The only Chinese food I like is from Paper Moon here in Modesto. The cream chesse wontons are to die for.)

I will never understand in my entire life why anyone in their right mind...even in your wrong mind...would voluntarily...or even unvoluntarily...eat corn beef and cabbage.

To make it worse, they also included a serving of horse radish to finish the ensamble.

YUM!
So the only way I ended up celebrating St. Patty's day was to accidentally wear green. I really didn't mean to I just did.

So good news is even though i had to force down a few bites of the corn beef and cabbage no one could pinch me.

What it comes down to is that I think holiday's like this are useless.

If it has nothing to do with my country and it doesn't give me a day off, I don't consider it a holiday. Sue me.

Back to food...

2) The Hunger Games. I have heard this name a lot over the past few months. Many people have said how much they love it and the title itself is enough to intrigue me. It's been a month or so since I had my last fix of a really can't-put-it-down-good-book, so it was time for another. So today I decided to look into this series called the Hunger Games.

I went online and perused Amazon and ebay. I found a rather lengthy portion of the book online to read, so I decided to see if there was something to this series after all. I read the first 70 pages and I'm hooked.

I made a Target run last night and picked up the first two books in the series. I am about 200 pages into the first one and it's amazing.

I would say that from what I have read so far, by far one of the best books I have ever read.

It would be hard to go into detail about the books, so i just suggest you go out and get a copy yourself. I promise you will be happy you did.

3) Frozen Yogurt...

When it comes to frozen yogurt my heart has always belonged to the Yogurt Mill. I worked there and it was really the best job...I met so many wonderful people and I made a lot of good friends there.

It was a laid back atmosphere and was always fun.

This is just an example of the fun times: There was a closet where we kept all of our purses, etc during our shifts. Well everyone's favorite lead (manager) Kyle would get in the closet when he knew someone was going to show up for a shift. That person would wander back to the closet to drop off their belongings and Kyle would jump out and scare them. I think a few people would get so scared they came close to peeing their pants. Meanwhile everyone else would be laughing their heads off.

Ok...so maybe we goofed off a lot and gave out a lot of free yogurt...ok maybe we were really bad employees, but the owners were kinda jerks so they deserved it.

But really it was great.

Plus, the yogurt is to die for.

I have been hooked since I worked there.

Another readson I love that place is because it is the first place I met Chad. A mutual friend of ours (who I happened to be dating at the time haha) came by to see me and brought Chad. We didn't meet up again for another year but that was the first time I met him.

So...this brings me to say...that I cheated on the yogurt mill. I recently visited LA Cultures (another frozen yogurt store) with two other couples. They wanted to go and who was I to refuse?

So even though it was hard, I did it. And it wasn't so bad...maybe even good. But that doesn't matter because I will always be in love with the Mill.

Elizabeth, Kelly and I @ LA Cultures. (I should probably burn this picture so there is no evidence of the affair. Hopefully the Mill won't read this post.)

In all seriousness though LA Cultures is really good...so you can try it if you would like. But also try the Yogurt Mill if you haven't. The cheescake flavor is to die for. And it's 99% fat free. Bonus!

Febuary in review

I know febuary is the shortest month of the year...but it seems to go by much faster than all of the other months. I have had the best intentions of blogging about many things that happened in Febuary. Mostly I have wanted to record more journal type blogs. What we have been doing, who we have seen, that kind of thing. Even with my good intentions though, I have fallen flat. I haven't blogged about any of those things and I am not sure why...just haven't. But now I am. More than two weeks into March...that's a lot of procrastinating...I have finally gotten around to it. And what's to thank for the end of the procrastination strike? A deeply rooted cough in my chest and weakness from being sick. So thank you cold, virus, whatever you are. Because finally I will blog about Febuary 2010.
(Update: I started this blog while I was sick a week ago and am not just finishing it...so I procrastinated on top of procrastinating...that's bad, even for me!)

It started out as a great month. My older sis Nichole who lives in Utah with her hubby and daughter got to bring Brielle out for a visit! Chase, my brother-in-law, took a trip to Haiti for a few weeks. He is a firefighter/EMT so he was asked to go and offer his services there.

So Nichole decided to bring Brielle out for a visit becuase she has never seen Modesto. We spent most of our time just visiting with each other, but it was so nice to see both of them! It has been weird the last 6 months not being able to drive to my sister's house whenever I want...so this made the seperation a little more bearable.

Fun with my dad's work hat...it's amazing what can entertain kids. It's also amazing how many pictures you want to take of them.

My precious niece...she knows what she wants and when she wants it...I would like to think she takes after me in that respect. Let's face it: I was a little brat when I was little, I won't deny it. My niece is definitely not a brat, just strong willed. But it makes her more endearing. This little sequence reminded me a little of Oliver and his early obsesion with water bottles.

The siblings:
Meet Brielle: aka miss Sassy! I laughed pretty hard at this picture...it almost looks like she is going to slap my dad.

We took a weekend trip to the cabin on the 19th-21st of Febuary.

Oliver LOVES to explore at the cabin. He does suprisingly well walking around in the snow but still prefers to lounge on the warm deck.

We spent our weekend snowmobiling, eating, visitng and lounging by the fire...this is the usual cabin routine. And we wouldn't want it any other way.





This was taken at a Birthday dinner for Bobby. We dined at BJ's for the first time and it definitely makes the "good" restaurant list and the "visit again" restaurant list.

New additions to our humble abode:

Meet Nigel the Niger- Happily swimming away in our tank for well over a month now. It was a little touch and go for a while, meaning we weren't sure if he was going to live, but he has made a full recovery and happily eats his shrimp every day.

Meet sleek/lovely/suave Green Side Table- I used to use a wimpy book light to read with at night and a filing cabinet for a side table. Needless to say this is a much needed improvment. I have TJ Maxx to thank.

Meet Dell Desktop Computer- We snagged this guy for the low price of $350. Our Dell Laptop took a turn for the worse and unfortunately didn't make it, so we had to buy a new one. I would like to say thank you to my laptop for the 4 years of priceless companionship you offered me through many papers and assignments. You served me well.

So that was Febuary...all in all a GREAT month. And of course the great ones always go by too fast, but that's life.

Adventures in Costco-land

I pretty much have not been able to focus my eyes in like 3 hours.

I seriously haven't been able to see, read or look at ANYTHING within a foot of my eyes since 6:30 pm when the Devil Dr. (we shall call him) decided to dilate my pupils.

It's been fun. Like Disneyland fun...

I love it when any light I look at has a two foot halo/ring growing out of it.

I especially love it when I am trying to eat my delicious double double from In-N-Out and I can't even see the dang thing!

Even better, I love it when I am wandering through Costco getting lost because I really can't focus my eyes and the blinding lights are giving me a head ache. I had to ask Chad what was down every ile. No joke.

This is how it started...

Man, I thought to myself, I really need to get my eyes checked. I just can't see very good. So I dialed up good ol' Costco and made an appointment to see Dr. Devil. I was hoping to walk out of my appointment with a brand spanken new perscription, a new pair of contacts and maybe a smile. But not so, not so.

So I'm sitting in the chair saying 1 is better than 2. 4 is definitely better than 5. 6 and 7 are pretty much the same. Oh 8, yeah 8 is good...115 is a little tiny bit better than 116. (Ok, I think you get the picture and I am getting a little sidtracked. If you don't know what I am talking about it is because you have perfect 20/20 vision, in which case I hate you and I would ask that you stop reading my blog). So I finish with the numbers and I think I am done.

Well Dr. Devil has other ideas he does. Have you had your eyes dilated lately? he asks me. Um, yeah about 6 months ago, so I wasn't planning on doing it today, I reply. (Turns out I really didn't know what dilating my pupils meant, I just thought I did. I have definitely never had it done before. At least not when I was conscious.) Ohhh you really should do it every visit, he says, especially with your perscription. (Meaning you have terrible vision. Just say it Dr. Devil. Don't sugar coat please.) Uh ok I guess I should do it then.

He then continues to put two sets of eye drops in each eye. Man, I think to myself, he is really good at holding my eyes open just the right way to get the eye drops in. (My theory now is that Dr. Devil likes torturing people and so he has developed very thorough tactics such as the right way to hold the eye open to get the most eye drops in so your pupils get extra dilated.)

Now we wait, he says.

Then I waited 1o minutes and he looks at my eyes... and guess what?...they weren't dilated enough. Back to the chair for more eye drops. 5 minutes later...they are dilated...we can now begin.

At this point I don't have my contacts in so I can pretty much see nothing. Just blobs and shapes. Maybe the occasional blur. (Maybe I should mention that I am blind without my contacts.)

So my pupils are dilated. Then Dr. Devil shines the most horrendous light in my eyes and I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head. Luckily they didn't. Look up, look down, look to the left...look to the upper right....look to the lower left and right a little.

Well everything looks good, says Dr. Devil.

Whew, I think, no retinal detachments. Thanks Dr. Devil.

Then I put my contacts back on, pay Dr. Devil for the pupil dilation and we are on our way. I decided to peruse the costco coupons on our way to do a little shopping. Why the heck can't I focus? Why can't I read? Why are those lights so bright and why do they have halos? This is me panicking.

I swear I could hear Dr. Devil laughing in his office...I swear I heard him say, man that girl never saw it coming. I can't believe she fell for the whole dilating thing...poor girl. I love my job.

Good News: my retina's are still in tact and show no signs of detaching.

Other good news: We bought some Special K Red Berries and Cheese from Costco.

Bad News: I just paid Dr. Devil at Costco $20 to torture me and then send me on my way to actually see worse than when I came in.

Even Worse News: My perscription is so bad that they don't even have any contacts in the office for me so I have to wait 2 weeks to get a new pair of contacts while they order them.

Even worse, really worse News: I have to go back in 2 weeks when they get my contacts in and see Dr. Devil again so he can fit my contacts and make sure they work.

Great...I'm so excited. I just hope he doesn't brain wash me and convince me I need to dilate my pupils again.

Who knew dilating your pupils could be so fun?

I can't wait to do it again someday...

Feminism in a different light

I haven't ever thought of myself as a feminist. I have maybe toyed with idea, but never committed. I certainly don't categorize feminism as bra-burning women who hate all men. That is not what feminism is to me. In fact, I don't know that anyone can really define feminism in a certain way. But after taking a social gender class at the U of U a few semesters ago I learned a lot more about gender stereotypes, gender roles, etc. and found out I am definitely NOT a feminist.

More recently I have strengthened my view that I am not a feminist when I read this blog. This is probably the blog I check first on my blog role every day. C Jane is humorous, insightful and an amazing writer. And her insight on the subject of feminism blew me away. She gives a definition of feminism as: If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.

I had never thought of saying that I am not a feminist becuase I DON'T want men and women to be equal. Crazy right? Maybe when you first hear it it is. But really it makes a lot of sense for a young LDS women such as I. Read this quote by Ezra Taft Benson (a former president of the LDS church) and then we will discuss:

"You were not created to be the same as men. Your natural attributes, affections and personalities are entirely different from these of a man. They consist of faithfulnes, benevolence, kindness and charity. They also balance out the more aggressive and competitive nature of man. The business world is competitive and sometimes ruthless. We do not doubt that women have both the brain power and the skills to compete with men. But by competing they must of necessity, become aggressive and competitive. Thus their godly attributes are diminished and they acquire a quality of sameness with man. The conventional wisdom of the day would have you be equal with men. We say, we would not have you descend to that level."

Wow. Epiphany. That's what I had after reading C Jane's blog and that article. Suddenly it all made sense. This was how I felt and I didn't even know it until now. I always knew I was a strong women with opinions and goals. I have always been like that. I knew what I wanted in life: to be successful. What did that mean though? Did I want a carreer, a purpose? Yes. Did I want to be a wife and a mother? Yes. So how do I balance those out without giving who I am up?

That's just the point...I don't have to. I can be everything I want and still be a woman, a child of God. I don't have to be a successful carreer driven CEO. I don't have to necessarily just be a stay-at-home mom. I don't have to be a feminist. I don't want to be a feminist. I don't want to strive my whole life to be equal with the men that surround me. I want to be me and only me.

Men and women were built differently for a reason. We were also given different personality and character traits for a reason. Because we were meant to find each other, get married, have children and learn from each other. I am meant to teach Chad things he doesn't understand and likewise. I AM NOT supposed to be equal to him in every aspect of our lives, instead I am supposed to complement him. I am meant to be a woman and he is meant to be a man.

So while I can certainly appreciate women's views on feminism and wanting women to be "equal" to mean and have all the opportunities in the world, I just don't think it is necessary. We can be who we are without feminism and without definititions and standards to live up to. I want a marriage that works because we are trying our best to do what is best for each other, not what is best for social standards and gender roles.

Sorry feminism, but you just don't fit into my life.

What are you going to do now?

I started this blog as more of a journal of sorts. A way to keep a record of what our family has done and accomplished. And while I do that, my hopes for this blog has changed a little. I am now a college graduate (well in May it will be official, but for simplicity let's say I am now). Who knows what that's supposed to mean and entail? All I know is that my life has changed. Now instead of classes all day and books, tuition and no sleep, my life has turned into working all day and making dinner, doing dishes and more sleep. It's been quite a change and an adjustement. But perhaps the biggest change is figuring out how I want to live the rest of my life. Now I know that I don't have to have everything planned out right now obviously but I would like to have a plan of some sort. And I don't. I don't know anything...or at least that's how I feel sometimes. I know that I have a job that pays the bills and is a good job...for now.

My degree is in communications...print journalism. That's not a high paying field. It certainly wouldn't pay the bills right now. So when I get asked why I'm not using my degree or when I am going to get a job that puts my schooling to good use, forgive me if I don't smile and give you a nice answer. Let me be blunt. Please don't ask me why I don't have a job that relates to my degree. Please don't ask me when I will get one. Please don't ask me. Please. Because I don't know. I have no clue what kind of job I want that relates to the journalism field. I don't know what kind of job I want period. I don't know what kind of job I can have that will still let me be a mom in the future. The way I feel about reporting and writing has changed drastically over the last 4 years. Not only that, but I have changed drastically over the last 4 years, so naturally my view of the future has changed as well.

I feel very accomplished to have earned my bachelor's degree. I feel like I have accomplished something. I HAVE accomplished something. So to me the subject my degree is in doesn't matter as much as the fact that I graduated! I have a whole life ahead of me to figure out what I want to do with my degree and my career path. For now, I will continue to write on this blog. I am determined to make it more of an outlet for my creative and journalistic writing in addition to my journal and family history. For now, this blog will be me putting my education to use. I may not have a ton of readers, but I never write for anyone but me anyways. So no matter how many people read my writing I know it is still making a difference in at least one life: mine. Writing helps me to feel like what I have to say is important. It helps me release my emotions in a healthy way. It helps me feel like I am making a difference by expressing my views, opinions, and outlooks on life. That's what I went to school for and that's why I got my degree. I studied hard for years to educate myself and articulate my view on life. I DID NOT, I repeat I DID NOT go to college simply to put myself ahead in the workforce. College has given me a great opportunity to learn about many different subjects and now I will take the next few years to evaluate how I want to use that knowledge.

Body Image

This is something that I, like many many other women, struggle with every day. I have never had an eating disorder as a result but it still is something that I struggle with....every day. Now that's not to say I am necessarily depressed about it, just unhappy sometimes.
I would say that I have always had this problem...probably since high school. There was always something I didn't like about my body. My weight. My hair. My sometimes blemished skin.

Again, that is not to say that I don't love myself, who I am, the way I look because I do, but I do have insecurities.

In high school I was in good shape physically. I played water polo and swam for a couple hours every day. I was healthy. Looking back at high school pictures now I sincerely envy my physique then. I have no idea why I was at all insecure about myself...I shouldn't have been, but I was.

Then came college. I gained what you would call "the freshman 15". At the time, it really didn't bother me all that much. I still felt pretty and I didn't gain enough weight that you really noticed. I think more than anything it just looked like I was growing up, maturing.

After my first year of college I met Chad. He adored me and treated my like a queen through our months of dating and being engaged. I never once felt "fat" or "ugly". I hate using harsh words but for a lack of anything better I will. I still had the occasional negative thought about my body and insecure feeling about a certain shirt that showed off my love handles, but I really can say it didn't consume my thoughts very often.

Being married was bliss. I felt "sexy" for the first time in my life because i had a loving husband who made me feel that way. I was happy with who I was, who I had grown to be. Life was good.

Enter Birth Control.

I started on the pill a few weeks before we got married. At first, maybe the first year or so the Pill's effects were not really noticeable other than the fact that it was preventing me from getting pregnant. But after a little while I started to notice my jeans fitting a little snugger and then they didn't fit at all. I moved up to the next size. Before I knew it, I had gained more weight than I cared to admit. It happened so subtly that I didn't realize what was happening. I was horrified, embarrassed, sad. I felt ugly for the first time in my life. I felt unattractive and certainly not sexy.

I guess I should also say that I do attribute my weight gain to birth control, although I am not 100% positive that's why I gained so much weight. But logically I think it was. I didn't change my lifestyle drastically... I worked out as much as I used to...I wasn't eating horribly...I marched up and down the U of U campus every day for goodness sakes!...I would say I was definitely getting enough exercise. Granted I am sure that being married and not exercising as much as I did in high school were factors in the weight gain...but not large factors.

So I decided to stop taking the pill. And I did. Unfortunately my gained weight didn't just dissapear once I stopped taking it. I wasn't gaining anymore weight thankfully but not losing it either. My metabolism was definitely changed. And not for the good.

It was hard to get to the gym more with a busy work and school schedule and I was frustrated. I eventually started doing Yoga and Pilates class. Hoping the class structure would help me stay motivated and help me get rid of the weight. And while I did feel better and healthier I still weighed more than I wanted to.

So a year after going off the pill I am still at the same weight. And let me tell you it has been a struggle every day in that year to feel like me. The one thing that has kept me grounded...okay...maybe the two things...is 1) my wonderful husband. I am tearing up a little just thinking about him. He has never once made me feel "overweight" or unattractive. He tells me everyday how beautiful I am and my extra weight doesn't bug him. He is the best husband I could ask for...even if I weigh more than him. If only every insecure woman out there had a Chad in their life they wouldn't be insecure. 2) The knowledge that my Heavenly Father loves me gets me through each day. I know that He doesn't care what my weight is. He only cares how i live my life and how I feel on the inside. Even though it is hard I know that I have to love myself no matter how I look. I feel that if I hate my body or myself I am not giving thanks to Heavenly Father for the body he gave me but rather being unappreciative and selfish. Our bodies are a miracle. The way they move and function. Yes, I might have a higher body weight than the girl next to me but in the eternal perspective that doesn't matter.

When I think about it, one of the only times I feel completely equal to those around me is when I am dressed in white in the temple. I don't think about my body image in the temple. The temple is the closest place on earth to heaven so I can only imagine that the feelings I have in the temple will translate to how we will live our lives in Heaven.

Okay...so what does all this life experience mean?? What I am trying to get at is that life is too short to be worrying about our imperfections, especially physical. It has taken me too long to learn this lesson and I can't say that I have perfected my view on this either. But I can say that I am happy with who I am. I love my body because I know it is a gift from Heavenly Father. I am trying my best to take care of it and be healthy. But I also know that it is ok if it is not perfect. I am not a size 8 and I am ok with that. I make up for that with my style. I know what clothes complement my figure and which don't. And I have a loving family who accepts me for me.

So to all of the women out there who struggle with body image...it's ok to be "different." Just try to love yourself because Heavenly Father wants you to love yourself. And if you can't find anything to wear that looks good, do what I do.... Go SHOPPING!!